My boyfriend's company has him opening an office in Boulder, CO, a place I've been wanting to move back to after I failed so miserably the first time. Side note: going to college out of state is hard. Plus having a long distance relationship and not being happy in the first place? Not a good combination.
Anyway, I was stoked because his boss just calls him out of the blue and says how would you like to move to Boulder to open an office because we have an opportunity there and you should be in the same state as the creative director and then you can be CTO some day soon. And of course we both thought it was serendipitous and jumped.
Which is why I left my job four months ago to start this new adventure. I mean I was probably going to quit anyway. I really wanted to get into a different field and I felt like I'd never shake their view of me, the entry level college graduate, youngest person at the company.
It was really fun at first. I got to spend a lot of time with family and friends before leaving, I didn't have to worry about asking for time off for the holidays or moving. And then when we finally did move, I spent so much time unpacking and working on my resume, so hopeful and excited for new things. I researched all the really good companies I wanted to work for that were walking distance from me, that would inevitably be the perfect fit I've been looking for since graduation. The world was my fucking oyster.
But then I wasn't hearing back from any, and the one I did hear back from said I didn't have enough experience for their entry level position. Um, excuse me, I have three years of entry level sales and marketing experience, I'm a millennial, so computers and social media are second nature. I know basic HTML, I know multiple CRMs and CMS'... How is a new graduate going to have more experience than me?
It's whatever though, I'll just keep looking.
The days are dragging on and on. What was really only 2 weeks felt like 3 months. I got bored and create an infographic resume. I re-watched the entire Breaking Bad series, because who has time for hobbies when you don't have a job? You get sucked into this feeling of ennui that keeps you from doing anything productive. I like to play guitar, do yoga, paint, read, write... and most people don't have time for it when they have a job so I should feel lucky to have the opportunity to hone my talents, learn new things like Java, CSS, the violin my boyfriend bought me for Christmas. But I just watched TV. Maybe I really don't like these things and I've just been pretending to?
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I tried drawing for the first time since before being employed full time. I really fucking suck.
I tried learning violin, but you know what? That instrument is incredibly difficult. After sucking at something I used to be somewhat okay at (drawing/painting), I fought through tears just to keep practicing this screeching instrument. My boyfriend is downstairs and proud that I'm trying, happy that I'm trying. Which almost makes my shitty emotions a little bit better. At least someone believes in me. I can't handle failing anything else right now.
I think I've applied to about 40 jobs by now. About 15 rejection emails later and failing to even get retail jobs, I'm feeling pretty desperate. Honestly, I might've been able to get a retail job if I'd just followed up properly, but I keep holding out for full time and benefits, retail feels like I'm giving up. My old company hired me on as a contractor at least... but I'm back to just doing bitch work no one else wants to do, and even though it's for money, I'm so sick of it that I started a blog instead of doing it.
I go through waves of feeling miserable, alone, worthless. Then I feel like any company would be lucky to have me because I can learn anything. Literally anything. I don't know how to convey to them that they're missing out by not hiring me. Then suddenly I feel like I don't know shit and no wonder they don't want to hire me. This startup wanted me but I'd be making much less pay and getting no benefits (except 7 hour work days... in the scheme of things, I'm a hard worker and would rather make money). I initially didn't think it was good enough, but they're willing to train me so I email them a few weeks after my second interview... no response. Do they not even want me now? They loved my infographic resume. Come on.
Daydreams of "what if" are increasingly frequent. What if I had continued to play guitar and became a rockstar? I was really good, classically trained, could've learned anything. If I had just kept playing when all the pubescent boys decided to pick it up "because Kurt Cobain," I could've continued to be better than them. My boyfriend and I could finally start our band. In reality, I could play again today and start on that track... but ennui. So much ennui.
Daydreams of traveling through Thailand, getting tattoos from monks, spelunking, riding elephants, petting tigers, jumping off waterfalls, not understanding anyone around me, flood my soul. The fucking core of my being can't stand that I'm not there. If I'm not traversing a volcano while watching aurora borealis in Iceland by the end of the year, I'm going to lose my fucking shit. I want to go to a concert TODAY. Outside Lands 2015 can't come soon enough, even though I probably can't go. I dream of polar bears cuddling me and now I want a geometric watercolor bear tattoo. My boyfriend tells me of his cool space ideas, and think... What if Buzz Aldrin and my boyfriend become friends and get matching tattoos and he helps him realize his dream of becoming an astronaut and going to Mars? Can't I just open my own coffee shop by day and make muffins, then it becomes a bar/concert venue at night and I can sell brick oven made pizza?
Alas, I play tomb raider, journal, do yoga, read about serial killers, and watch one TV series after another. Sometimes I make really elaborate meals for my boyfriend, if I'm not already so tired from doing nothing. Oh yeah and that part time work at my old company. At least I have that.
There are a lot of people job hunting out there, feeling like this. When I hear other peoples' stories, I feel better at least. For all you out there... this is for you. I'm guessing most of you feel this way too.
Much love from your fellow pathetic mess,
Amanda
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